If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
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Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Brother?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
My whole life was a lie.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.