Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
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marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely