Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
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Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.