What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
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I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!