son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
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[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.