*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
You Might Also Like
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?