I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
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And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.