Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
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4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.