teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
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ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.