Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
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[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I can’t be the only one 😂
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.