“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
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You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Quadruple digit IQ
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
When you’re here for the treats.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Worst Native American name ever.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.