Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
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I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*