No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
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[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police