“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
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Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Fiction has to make sense.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.