“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
You Might Also Like
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain