Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
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I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE