new wife guy just dropped
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Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER