Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
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If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
getting corrected
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?