When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
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7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents