Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
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me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
happy friday
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.