RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
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I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
My what?
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM