you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
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Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.