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90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Best mom ever 😂
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.