The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
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Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
barbara was highly relatable
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?