Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
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Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
cat vs inanimate object
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again