My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
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Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.