“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
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[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.