[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
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Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
May have had one breakfast too many
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”