I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
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My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”