My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
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Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.