I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
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da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
i really liked this one
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut