[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
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If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.