i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
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Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”