why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
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a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.