#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
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I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know