On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
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Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
cyclists
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]