Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
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I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.