therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
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I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.