I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
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old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
God has left this place
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house