Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
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Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.