My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
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angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight