Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
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Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids