There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
You Might Also Like
I have so many questions.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I didn’t come here to be called names
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
choose your fighter
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.