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[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit