When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
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Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.