Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
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In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.