You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
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Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.