SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
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A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
i choose….tongue
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
My loaf of bread looks terrified
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
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