[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
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Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.