I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
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Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Breaking news:
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.